a heart i know by heart
|
|
~ Friday, April 13, 2007
~ Thursday, May 05, 2005
I married Isis on the fifth day of May.
Well, not married. Felt committed, however not as much as that kind of commitment. Let me explain. This is normally the time of year I receive inspiration. Yes, it has a schedule. Well, it used to. Maybe it still does. I love May, and for the first couple years I didn’t even know that I did. It’s old news, but the months and years pass by much quicker than they ever did before. And it’s with this in mind May would come and go, come and go, come and go. That’s probably about it. Then I probably realized after the 3rd one, “Hey, I can’t wait ‘till next May!” There was a common denominator each of these occasions also; Mr. Dylan. Specifically ‘Desire’. It seemed every time I was in the mood to play my Desire album by Dylan, I felt inspired in some way, shape, or form to either write, create art, change opinions, embrace new ideas, and other possibilities that overall would foster a sense of purpose and satisfaction in living life. Not that it didn’t happen at other times of the year, but noticeably in May. So being the creature of habit that I am, after recognizing the correlation between May, Dylan, and creativity- I decided it was my new tradition to be listening to Bob Dylan every May. And there’s even that line of his song Isis I quoted as the title, so I must listen to it on the fifth of course. It really hasn’t been like all my life this has been going on or something, probably since about 1998 or 1999 and forward, which is still long for me though. Then last May I no longer had possession of the cd of Desire. It was stolen that August prior when someone broke into my car. “Oh well, May is still a good time of year.” I should have got the hint. Maybe that was my queue to move on and this fascination I had with the fifth month of the year was to be ended. Counted as a fond memory of my early twentysomethings. So last year I can not remember any inspiration or creativity in my possession last May, now it’s this year. Guess what? No, just guess. Not here either. Inspiration? Creativity? Wonderment or jubilation? Not here folks. I have decided in my life the times I have felt the worst is when my expectations were not met. I have high expectations for this May, the month is not over, but time is fleeting. Knowing myself pretty well, I’m surprised I’m not more depressed after writing this than I would have expected. Maybe I’m growing up or something. Damn maturity. Or it could just be the B vitamins. I don’t know if I’ll ever repeat this, I may recant later, so just take this as a thought for this moment in time and space and nothing else, but there’s something I like about being slightly depressed. The only reason I can say this is because I’m not at the present. Now how I feel when I’m depressed is awful, I’ll never miss that, but I am fond of what can happen after the fact. Such as what I write, I do feel a little more creative with disappointment cursing through my veins, but my favorite after effect is grace. I don’t know anyone else who receives more grace than I do. Thank you my Lord.
Well, that was a lot of claptrap, wasn’t it? Rambling is therapeutic, but especially when you have an audience. Now I admit, I do have an audience in mind pretty much anytime I write anything. Most are never read by anyone other than I, tonight’s entry of claptrap and mindless utterings I believe will be read by you, Michelle, but my audience was the other person in the room. Good night and bye for now.
~ Monday, December 06, 2004
I want to be Jon Voight.
So Michelle and I watched the made for T.V. movie of "The Five People you meet in Heaven" last night starring the gentleman we see above. You may remember him from such films as "Charlie- the Car who wanted to be a Boy" or "Anaconda 5, Newphew of Anaconda". I know I do. Anyway, he portrayed a man who thought he did no good in life, only to find how many lives he saved during his life by simply doing his job as maintenance man at a carnival.
So that means his life wasn't wasted after all! What a relief. But what if you're a salesperson at a bank? Is there any hope???????????????
The world may never know.
~ Friday, August 13, 2004
Feeling Small
The first time I really remember having the feeling I was pretty young. When my family lived in Azusa for the longest time we had HBO without paying for it. Showtime too. It was back in the day when having cable was really something special. And having those premium channels was something to brag about. I was sitting on our couch watching 'The Empire Strikes Back' and it got pretty close to the end right before Luke's hand gets cut off. It was kind of dim I remember and all the sudden everything felt farther away. I was a lot smaller in relation to everything else than I remembered being just minutes before. Nothing really changed of course but my perception of this place I was living in did. It was similar to television shows when someone may be looking a great distance down below them and the camera pans back a bit to attempt to give more depth to image. That's a similar feeling but not quite. Everything was the same size but it wasn't at the same time. Intellectually I know nothing changed but it all seemed so much farther away, so much farther to grasp, like I was much smaller than I perceived myself.
I'm not sure if this makes sense at all to anyone else but me, so to put it another way I felt everything had more depth than it did before. This happened frequently during my childhood and sporadically nowadays, but it happened tonight again after quite a long absence. It typically happened during the evening but happened during day as well, but always indoors. I can probably have it traced back to lighting/diet/anxiety/etc., but I feel it has a deeper meaning than what I currently understand. I probably have never thought about it before tonight, but it might be one more of those little clues that God has programmed into me to keep me in perspective. I live in such a two dimensional world and get so caught up in it (I totally put myself there to begin with) I lose myself. Television is a two dimensional story and when I'm not carefull I live my life in the same way a tv show unfolds. I put myself in a story that has no depth and my character probably gets shot if it was an action film or is just the wacky neighbor who delivers a couple of good one-liners if it's a sitcom. I'm just so un-present in what's going on I'm alarmed by it when I realize it. Or when it's pointed out to me. I've only got about one real friend in whom I can confide in and connect with on a semi regular basis, and here I am being a pretty terrible friend not even calling him on my days off like I said I was going to. Even the stupid sitcom neighbor is more present in his life than I am.
So what am I trying to say? I'm not sure either. I guess I'm still working it out myself. Maybe I'll have some sort of answer my next post if you're really interested, which will be in about 6 months.
~ Tuesday, July 13, 2004
~ Saturday, March 13, 2004
Walt Whitman
Beginning my studies the first step pleas'd me so much,
The mere fact conciousness, these forms, the power of motion,
The least insect or animal, the senses, eyesight, love,
The first step I say awed me and pleas'd me so much,
I have hardly gone and hardly wish'd to go any further,
But stop and loiter all the time to sing it in ecstatic songs.
Just something I read tonight and thought I identified with. In a small way only. Or thought I identified with in the past. Or hope to identify with in the future. Now that I've touch on past,present and future, maybe it's none. Maybe it's all. Maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I do.
~ Sunday, February 22, 2004
Our love is all of God's money
I can not, I refuse not to believe how fast life moves and how much of it slips through your fingers before you realize it. And tonight is no exception. A short trip online lasted hours before I realized where the time went.
Here's something that's really sad for me. Just before writing this I wrote quite a bit of material that I erased and couldnt get back, therefore wasting even more time bringing me minutes closer to my death. It's not all that morbid though. I'm just a little dissappointed. Anywho, I'm going to try and recap what it was I previously wrote.
I'm blogging for no particular reason tonight other than I have a Wilco song in my head. If the reader doesn't know, the title of this blog is a line from a Wilco song ( I knew you knew that Michelle, but someday I may acquire another reader). And it's kind of satisfiying blogging. Being satisfied is not something that's common in my walk of life currently. Everyday life is clogging my veins and arteries full of goo and cholesterol that is slowly but surely killing me. Nothing bad is really happening, but I hope so badly sometimes for more. More time, it runs out so quickly. More money, that runs out even quicker. More passion, inspiration and reasons to continue doing things the way I continue to do them.
And here's a thought about friendship. I was so lonely for sooo long until I connected with a neighbor of mine to do what we call a life-transformation group. I felt for almost three years I was destined to never venture outside of my own household ( and as wonderful as my family is, when I leave for a time and return, I know the context of my life, I know how good what I have is). Now days I'm working for my father in law on wednesdays and that is when I would meet with my friend. This friend has quickly become my best, and just about only friend outside of my home, and I feel like it's over. I know it's not truly over, but it's hard for me when I feel like I'm working so often I won't be able to have time to keep a constant dialogue with him. I'm afraid, but not really, just kind of, that it's going to be like before. Before meaning when I worried and worried what was wrong with me because what ever friend I tried to make was not interested in me or was an acquaintance who never wanted to go beyond small talk with me. I did pray for a friend, often I feel. It was answered, but not before a lot of heartache, a type I don't care for again. It sounds like I talking about my wife leaving me or something, and I would so much more devasted if I was talking about rejection from my wonderful wife, but the rejection I've felt in whatever small way in the past, I don't want to relive. So I hope and pray my friend is still my friend even if it's hard for me to see him on a regular basis. But it is the regular basis I will miss so much.
Last cigarette's, all you can get, spinning your orbit around.
